The Number of Days and Enlightenments

Having experienced a disturbance in thought or in reasoning, and having done nothing according to that disturbance of thoughts, nor even having spoken, he possesses the state of having been disturbed and not having spoken. Such a person has within him a heart having been warmed. 'And in my meditation fire shall be kindled' (Ps 39:16). My inner self. And thus for each of us, two men have stood, One is outside, the other inside. Therefore, when a disturbance arises in the soul and does not transfer the disturbance to the outer man, but keeps it within so as to recognize it and weep over it, he has within him a heart having been warmed, not in order to act, but in order not to act. 'In my meditation the fire burns.' In others, by voice and by action and by thought, a fire burns, consuming them, burning them. 'Their heart was warmed like a fiery furnace.' Here the meditation is like a fire that has burned, with something to burn beneath. And the meditation and the heat of the Holy Spirit is the all-consuming, which comes to pass by the blowing Spirit. Therefore the fire burns in order that it may act, not in order that it may harm and consume. 'Was not our heart burning within us while he opened to us the Scriptures?' (Lk 24:32). This burning is to be praised. And observe also regarding manufactured things: some are heated in order that they may be reshaped and become a vessel, gold or silver. But if wood or something else is set on fire, the heat is harmful.

'I spoke in a tongue.' Even if I did not let it become outward, but it remained within me, through a burning from meditation it made itself for me, and so I spoke in a tongue: 'Make known to me, Lord, my end' (Ps 62:5). From my own tongue I said this; for the tongue as shaped by its owner is this: for example, the temperate man, speaking the things of temperance, speaks in his own tongue, the tongue of the temperate man, not that of a human deceiver. And the one desiring to learn his own end and to offer his life to God, in my tongue, not in the tongue of a deceitful man, but I, desiring to know my end, spoke in a tongue. This my word is not a counterfeit. When a hypocrite speaks concerning temperance while not being temperate, he does not speak in his own tongue. But the temperate man, when he delivers discourses concerning temperance, speaks in the tongue of the temperate man. No hypocrite, therefore, speaks in the natural tongue, but in the counterfeit tongue. The wolf, when he [is...]

Begging like a sheep to enter Christ's flock, he speaks not in his own tongue, but imitates the voice of the sheep, so that, meeting like with like, he might harm. 'Make known to me, Lord, my end and the number of my days, what it is' (Psalm 39:10). Observe how the one saying this is a repentant person. 'Help me to guard my ways, to set a guard over my mouth' (Psalm 39:11-12). When the sinner stood against me and was provoking, I received good in my mind from the experience of not speaking to him.

This is therefore what I say; since I saw myself lacking much—for I had only just begun to progress—'Make known to me, Lord, my end,' so that I might know how much time of life remains to me, if it is sufficient for completion and fulfillment. Thus also another was saying: 'Declare to me the brevity of my days; do not bring me back in the midst of my days' (Psalm 39:13). In a certain way, I am in the midst of the days that come from the Holy Light. Do not then bring me back in such a way. Therefore, fulfill my days.

But God fulfills the days of some not by providing an increase of them; for when it is said, 'I will fill him with length of days' concerning the righteous, we do not say that he makes him many-years. There are also impious people who have lived many years. 'And the number of my days' (Psalm 39:10). It is also possible to say 'the number of my days' meaning: you have enlightened me much, I have become composed of days; for each enlightenment is a day. Therefore, reveal to me the number of my enlightenments, so that I might know what I lack.

As if someone, having taken up a desire for art or science, lest he should have a perfect knowledge of his education, says: 'Reveal to me what are the luminous things of science, so that I might know what I have and what I lack.' It is blessed to have things, works, and thoughts that are countable, those worthy of being numbered. Regarding the prostitute, it is indeed said: 'They are countless, whom you have slain' (Hosea 13:9). This does not necessarily mean that they are infinite, but that they are not worthy of being numbered. They do not exist in any word or number. So that I might know what I lack. If I learn the number of my days and my end, until when it is reached, I recognize in what things I lack, which are the things I have not yet learned. Therefore, those making a desire for science...